Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
