my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
