Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
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