I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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