Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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