ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
