WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize