My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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