kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
