That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
