You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
His nipple licking is glorious
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