i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
