i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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