he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
