Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
