come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
i think my cat just said my name.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize