I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize