I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
