But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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