I'm so fucking centered right now
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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