just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
