The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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