dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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