thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
