y did u give ur computer a hand job?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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