You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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