My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
