Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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