i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
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