ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
