I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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