Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize