i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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