you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
