He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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