I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
