And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
