Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
