apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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