tequila makes me forget i have legs
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
