The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
