I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
