I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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