I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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