I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
