my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
