Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Randomize
