glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
