so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
