Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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