you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
