Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
