god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
