I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
