Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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