Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
