there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
