My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
